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Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
9:37 pm
So...I did end up getting my hair cut. And I love it, and so does Michael. It's not as short as i've had it before, but everyone likes it. It's so much easier, and I feel like..me with it short. Ahh. :)

So..Michael flys home tomorrow night. It's supposed to start raining, then snowing starting tomorrow morning. Hope his flight isn't too delayed.
I hope we have a good time together. I just feel like we are goign to argue. With us, you never know. I just feel like i've been edgy, and he's kind of been acting ...edgy or something as well. Don't fight. Just let things go Jen. Don't argue. Don't try to prove yourself right. Just listen and be patient. Patience is what I lack. Patience is something I want to achiever and perfect one day.

So, yesterday, I was walking the dog when I got off work and the local school here was out, but sports practices were going on. I miss that. I miss the sounds, the smells, the actions, the view...I miss everything about afternoon practices and games, meets, whatever. When I was little I wanted to be a P.E. teacher when I grew up. My mom told me I didn't want to be one, that all female P.E. teachers were gay. So...that stopped me from ever thinking about being one again. I grew up, and found out, hey, I'm bisexual. I'm comfortable with who I am. I haven't really thought about being a coach/P.E. teacher again since yesterday afternoon. The thought hit me so hard. I started smiling. I think I'd be good at it and I would enjoy it.
So...don't know if I will do anythign with that thought or not, but I did mention it to Michael a bit. I did look up what I would need roundabout. I need at least a 4 year degree.

But...I want to do this. I like kids. I want to be around sports. I want to be a part of something. I want to make a difference somehow. I don't know. Is this silly?

But..I can't really go to school anywhere when we don't know where we're goig to be living because of Michaels employment. Right?
Is this even silly to think of pursuing? Me being nearly 30 and going back to school to be a P.E. teacher?

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Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
10:30 pm - stream of thought
it's my stream of thought and i'm not even sure where to start because i'm trying to decide where to begin and what to say....
dammit..this is why i opened and started this journal back up because i want to put down my thoughts and expressions and anger and just anything...rather than leave a paper trail. Though now'a'days seems like anything you leave online is surely to turn up in "real" life sooner than ever. Well...i'd rather keep a paper journal ...I have those lying around, but somehow it's easier to type it out...probably because this is 2010, and we are more computer savy than essay writing now'a'days....

i have a lot to say...so somehow i fucked up at work again. Not sure how it happened at all. The first time I knew something was fishy and thought I should call a supe over but didn't. This time I just thought we were hella busy and didn't think anything fishy had happened, except all day long the screen seemed to keep saying I needed a "pick up." Well..comes to the end of the day for my cash out...i'm short..a whole big whopping ticket. Ticket that matches is at around 2 something that afternoon. It was busy from 11:-me gettign out of there being 3:30ish. I'd already had two pickups of $600 each..and a smaller one just because i was wondering what was up. The only thing that could have happend was I once again cashed out a ticket that was supposed to have been debit or credit. In this case debit because there isn't a signature needed and it just prints a receipt out like cash receipt. That or ...someone snatched money out of my drawer, but I was there the whole time and don't think that happened, or I stole the money...which that isn't the case either. I don't steal. So..I've once again fucked up. And...I was just due for another raise..and there's a new store opening up, and I was just told there was going to be a supervisor position opening at are store, and the sups here were recommending me for the job..well...that's shot now..and I'm on "suspension" or "final" for a year. I'm lucky though I still have a job. But i'm either going to be given one more chance currently as a cashier or transferred to a different department. They said i'm an awesome employee otherwise i'd be terminated. But it just sucks because I would have more than likely been given a supervisor position if i hadn' tfucked up. I just don't know how it happened. It was extremely busy and I must have just pushed the button toomany times and it cashed it out and I didn't notice. Dammit it all to hell!!! I can't do anything right. i really can't.
I was thinking about that today. I'm going to be freaking 30 this year. Fucking 30 years old. What have I to show? Nothing. I have no accomplishments. I'm not good at anything. I have nothing. let me repeat...I have nothing. If I get married it may end in divorce. I want to travel. I might want to have kids one day.
who the hell am I? That's one question I want to know. I want to cut my hair and not have to answer as to why. I feel more confident with short hair. I feel more attractive. I don't feel attractive or sexy now...and I haven't. I want to feel pretty and attractive and sexy. I want to feel hot and desirable. I want to feel creative and actually pursue that feeling and do something creative and have the outcome to show what I did with that feeling. I want to live and breathe more than I am. And I have the capability to do that I just am not. And why not?
And, I poured one more glass of wine...and I thought I shouldn't. I have yet to have a sip of it. I have a nice buzz going on...and I thought I shouldn't partake of this one sip just yet because I don't want a headache. I went to bed with a headache last night....3 Pbrs...and a headache, but I had the headache before the first beer was even drank. it was a stress headache I believe. I found out at work I'd fucked up, and cried. I was sure I was going to be fired. Was trying to think of what i'd say to Michael. But luckily, as of current, it seems like I may still have my job, just perhaps a different position. I am not going to tell him of this fuck up...because I just ..I just don't want to. I've come to find it's not always better to tell. I guess. ?
I really don't know.
Is it?
I've been so tired lately..but had so much energy this past weekend. It's only but Tuesday. Perhaps i'm tired because it's 'that time'? Who knows...and who really gives a damn?
I find myself dreaming of what ifs....and of futures that might be...or of tomorrow's that might never be...
what is in a dream but a gasp of air, a suck of life into a single breath?
....so it is....

current mood: pondering

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Saturday, January 16th, 2010
4:42 pm - Saturday off
So..I went to take the dog for a walk this morning...he's been getting off his choker collar...well, he went and did it again. There was a 3 legged dog nearby, so he didn't go far this time and it was still somewhat early so there wasn't a lot of traffic out yet. Damn dog. So..went and put his harness back on him. He's already chewed threw one. Got out of a shower...this one has been chewed threw now as well. Fucking dog. He had me so pissy this morning I went and worked out, felt better afterwards. Ran 2 miles, did some hill workout on the other machine, 50 crunches total, then arm weights with dumbells.

Came home, cleaned my car out. It's all clean except needs vacumming and washing now. Came inside: swept, mopped, dusted everything including the fan and the inside of the washing machine, put clean dishes away..then took a shower myself.
Made an appt with David's Bridal for next Saturday morning. Michael will be flying in this coming Thursday night and be here till Sunday night. He's been on me about making an appt, so I did. Then I told him about the dog chewing threw another harness. Told him it's not like I can go buy him another one, he said why not...I told him because i'm broke that's why. I have $1 dollar in my checking acct, (I actually have $0 dollars in there). He had left some money because I had to get a hose replaced in my car. It was a short paycheck from having all that time off during the holidays. He knew it was a short check and then there were 2 big bills to pay on top of that. Plus I paid for my new battery. And I transferred $100 out of my savings account...that's been depleted now as well. There was silence..and he said he would talk to me later. I keep a budget. I don't ever have cash on me. I record everything in my checkbook. I don't spend lavishly. I live paycheck to paycheck. I just hope he's not going to get all edgy and pissy about this..because really. Don't start with me.

Gonna eat now.

current mood: edgy

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Friday, January 15th, 2010
9:12 pm
So...I have the whole weekend off. I won a contest at work so one of the prizes I chose was to get weekends off for a month...
Michael's not coming home this weekend, he's coming home next weekend. So...I will have days off with free time.
My plans are to work out some..do some cleaning...if it's nice (but it's raining now) take the dog to a dog park(but it will probably be too muddy now).
Maybe go through some things...photos..etc.
I should try to do something with the sewing machine..maybe take the guitar out and fiddle with it some. I'm absolutely broke..like seriously...$0 in my account...so whatever I do will be funds free...and i have half a tank of gas to last me a week. So...looks like I will stay at home and probably do nothing like I normally do. Yippee....not.
I'm watching the neighbors cat this weekend, so I need to remember to go over there in the a.m. and p.m. to feed the kitty and empty shit box. I want to go through some photos and put all the ones I want to print out or do something one in one file on the computer.

patience....the one thing i don't have and want to obtain

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12:03 am
as soon as I get some extra money i'm cutting my hair. i need to get a timing belt and some other work done on my car. i've already done a lot of work recently to it. so..i have to save up for that...more financial issues that will cause a strain and be brought up during arguments i'm sure.
i'm so glad i still have this so i can just vent. I'd keep an actual physical journal, but i don't want it to be found and everything to be taken literally. Sometimes I just need to freaking vent. I miss keeping a journal though..like Ashley and I used to do. I feel like i'm such a boring person now. I seriously do nothing. I wake up eat, take care of the cat and dog, go to work, shower, repeat...really boring.
I can't mention really anything or anyone at work because it gets taken out of context somehow. I work with a lot of gay guys and a lot of really cool people. Some of them i'd really like to hang out with. But...I can't. One of the reason's being the dog...i've been asked to do stuff so many times...everyone probably things i'm a fuddy-dud or something. I always say no or maybe. The other reason being Michael. The one time I hung out with work people here was for a going away event....he kept texting me and then calling me.. saying he was just worried about me.. for me to have fun..just worried about everyone else around me and me driving home. My god i left before anyone else...I was having fun....was talking to people and hanging out getting to know my co-workers for the first time since i've been here in Texas. So i left...nipped it in the butt. Tonight...we said goodnight to each other. He mentioned mom so I thought i'd go on to facebook to write her a message and I knew..somehow I can read his actions...he signed online as well. He was all edgy and like..well I signed on to write you a note ...but you were online. I asked if he sent me an email...he was like...no...i just talked to you. If he gets all weird about this ...I swear..he was online when he said he was going to bed too. Then he was like..well whose Tom? I added Tom to my list of friends...Tom being my old boss back at my old job. Geez louise.

I have this weekend off. I have all the weekends off this month because of a contest I won...I want to do something..no money...was thinking I should prob take the dog to the dog park so he can run around crazy...i need to run...i want to go to a bookstore and just browse their magazines....as i have no money. Somehow...i'm sure an argument will come about as to how i'm spending my free time. Hope not.
This is what I was going to post to his wall but thought better of:
You should know by now I don't "have fun." So..why do you say "have fun, goodnight"? What is that? I wake, walk the dog,feed the animals, eat, go to work, feed the animals, shower, sleep, repeat..? There's no fun there. If you are saying "have fun" in the sense that you think i'm f'ing around on you on the internet at night...think again. I could ask the same thing of you since you happened to be on the same time as myself. hmm.. I love YOU. The jealous thing....you have to lose it. I'm marrying you. OK?

I should go to bed...have to open tomorrow morning...so..up by 5...thus being into my 5 hrs of sleep now..and i'm used to getting more...goodnight :)

current mood: restless

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Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
10:50 pm
it's cold....actually warm in the house tonight. Had a fire going for a bit, started smoking too much as it died down though. Eating grn mint choc chip icecream..lol.

I've been wanting to get my hair cut ever since i started growing it out. Last time it was this long was about 11 years ago probably. I keep seeing all these cute short hair cuts...i want one. I want to feel cute and confident. I want to be sure of myself and have it show. A cute do helps. It's supposed to get colder here tonight and even colder with the wind tomorrow...will feel like -1...according to the news. I don't mind it really. Just bundle up and wear enough warm clothes and it's all good.
Went for my yearly a few days ago. Waiting on lab results/testing. Hopefully all is good.

Yeah..I miss my short hair. Started growing it for a guy...then kept it because of another guy. WTf? I love it long here and there..but it's just easier being short. When it's long I just pull it back too much..and that's how it stays. Blah.

I need to get some MoTIvaTIoN. come ON JeN

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Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
11:25 am - New Year
So...another year.
I'm feeling lazy and slightly down.
I need to get motivated and clean the house, workout, put away clothes, go to the store, make food.
When he's not here, most times I wake up and the first thing I think about is, are we speaking? Is he mad at me? Are we good?
Then when I realize everything is fine, we didn't argue the night before, I can breathe.

I miss him. Our relationship is weird and slightly stressed.
I had taken off from 12-25 - 1-2, because he had off as well and we were going to hang with his family for xmas. Never happened for multiple reasons: cost, weather, drive, animals, time. So, we stayed here. It was good half the time. The other half something was wrong.
There was bills and money brought up again. There was a comment I keep thinking about that was brought up when we weren't arguing, we were at the mall, he made a comment like he used to buy $90 jeans...that was B.J. before Jen. I was like, you can still do that.
I got to thinking, I miss spending money and buying shit too. Before me he was with the other chick. Speaking of her, I looked through his phone, I know I shouldnt have. He was off getting beer and cigarettes with his buddy, and he had his old phone because his new one doesn't have a lot of numbers in it yet. He had called the place where she works. The same day he called another friend of his whom he said he doesn't have her number anymore. I'm not upset about this one, just wondering why he said he doesn't have her number. Was upset about the call to his ex's work. Looked through all his old pics of them...
I was upset and anxious. Then i reasoned with myself..Jen..I still talk to my ex's from time to time to see how they are. I have old pics around still. So...we're equal..we're the same. People come in your life you can't x them out completely, or why would you even want to. So...I took some deep breaths and said get over it Jen. You have no reason to be upset over this.

Other disagreements or arguments started from the dog...got to where he said I act like a 12 year old...he says this one a lot. Then he got upset over a letter I had received from my friend Josh who is in jail. I've written josh ever since he's been in there, not all the time and more recenlty like once a year if that. I had sent him a xmas card. He got upset that I had written him and I didn't say anything about it and why was I talking to him. I told him he's a friend, if i were in his spot I'd want people to keep in touch with. I told him we were only ever just friends and to get over it already.

So..we have : bills & finances, jealousy, dog, maturity levels, work

But I love him and he loves me.
I just needed to vent somewhere.

He wishes I didn't work evenings, so do I. I'd prefer to work days and have weekends off or something. He says when I talk about work I have much more enthusiasm than I do when talking to him. wtf? I was telling him about something funny that happened, he took it that I was flirting with a co-worker.
He loves me, he bought me an engagement ring. We are happy.

I'm just tired.
I need to run to Target to get cat food and lotion and kleenex.
I need to stop venting for now and get off the internet.
I'm cold. I want to take a very hot shower.

current mood: blah

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Thursday, August 27th, 2009
9:50 am
I'm feeling creative.

I have to work 12-6. I have 2 part-time jobs: Whole Foods and Puzzle Zoo. Working at Puzzle Zoo is boring. Yesterday was slow, then I got a shipment of tynies to put away, it was interesting to see what each little one was. Had my break, then the 3 workers and the manager played Uno for the rest of the shift. Forgot I liked Uno.

I'm listening to my playlists on myspace. I don't like going on there anymore, it's too slow. i visit Facebook more, but like myspace because of the music. I like Pandora too, but i like the selection of music I created for the playlists on myspace. Each song i've been listening to brings to mind a different memory. I went looking for my journal, my most recent one. Haven't come acrossed it yet. I'm thinking it's in a box in storage. Came across my old ones, went through one of them from 2002-2003. It's bizarre going back through them.

I've changed somewhat from then. I'm not drinking myself silly anymore. I occasionally miss it. When I do drink, it's beer or wine, and only in moderation. I do want to get a buzz on though here and there. Kind of miss that.

I'm waiting to get my insurance card in the mail. Michael finally put me on his and it took forever to get everything out of the way so i'd be covered. Meanwhile my prescription was running out, so I started skipping days, then breaking my pill in half. Now i'm out. Took my last half of pill a couple nights ago. So..not sure if my "creative spurt" is because my body is reacting to not being on any medicine or if i'm just in a creative phase. Either way I like it. Just can't get into anything right now because i'm working soon. Feel like messing with charcoal or something. Wish I had a camera I could fool with. I have my Nikon, but no more lenses. Digital is a no go...Michael took his to work, and I just don't want to mess with his camera anyway. The other 2 cameras I have are little fun ones, that take film, and i don't have money to develop film right now.

I feel like writing but hate writing on random sheets or in random notebooks. I like to try to keep everything together or something which is why I was looking for my journal to begin with. I miss the river, the St. Johns. I don't have any rivers here. Bodies of water here are rare to come by I guess. No beach to go walk on, no river to sit by.

I've been wanting to get my hair cut. It's long and all I do is put it up because it's hot. This is the longest it's been probably since highschool. I definately need a trim. I miss my short haircuts. The Whole Foods I work at has a lot of gay people in the area or working in the store. And I just kind of wish hanging out with that crowd. It's totally different. I am who I am. I'm attracted to men and women. I love Michael, don't get me wrong. I just miss flirting. But at the same time, it's safer not too. I wouldn't ever cheat on him, that part of me is gone.

I wish I could copy the myspace playlists to my itunes library or something. It's the perfect collection of music all together.
I haven't done jack shit this morning and I hope I don't hear about it.
God I want to be around art and music and poetry and artistic people. I love that. My soul loves that. I want to go "waste away" a day wandering in parks and museums and galleries. I want to have a cup of coffee and just sit by the river or write something down. I want to have a couple beers and listen to some good tunes.

Life is life. Right now it is what it is. It's not bad. It's okay. I'm content with where I am and how I feel right now. Sometimes I just feel, and I've always felt like this, that I am two seperate people and one of them is always on lockdown or something. If that makes any sense.
My money is not my own. I can't buy random things here and there. But that is life. This is the life i'm living. I'm fine with it.
Since i've moved here to Texas I have had more people tell me I'm familiar to them. My face looks familiar. Do they know me? It's really odd I think. I've had people in Florida and anywhere say that before, but I've only been here in Texas since mid June and i've had more people in these few months ask if they know me from somewhere or say I look familiar than I had in years back in Florida. Makes me wonder what else i've been up to. Makes me think that perhaps "out of body" experiences are possible. Or perhaps everyone does have a twin somewhere in the world. Or perhaps triplets, etc.

Today looks overcast. My mood currently is an artsy/nostalgic kind of mood. I'm not looking forward to going to work as I know it will be slow. At the same time, I get off at 6 so that will be nice. I have a stack of books here I need to read. Stack being 4. 3 of them I checked out from the local library, one from Whole Foods that I need to read and do a book report on so I get a $25 gift card. But, last time I was "reading" I was told it must be nice to just sit around and read. I should be looking for a better job or doign something constructive with my time. Yeah..
Last time i brought it up I was told that was never said. But that if I was going to read a book, I should read the one for Whole Foods. Anwyays...the books have just been sitting there. Kind of takes the wanting to read out of it.
So now i'm wasting my time updating this journal as I can't find my physical one. I'm wasting my time sitting on my ass listening to my music.

Don't get me wrong. We have a great relationship most of the time. I love him. He loves me. Etc.

Guess I need to probably take the dog out or something.
Maybe I will paint my nails. I haven't painted my nails any color other than clear in a long time. But I don't work at Whole Foods till Sunday, not sure if they'd mind or care. Working at Puzzle Zoo all the rest of the days this week, and know they don't care. So, might paint them black. The only reason I don't paint them is because they chip so easily, it's like what's the point.

current mood: creative

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Thursday, June 25th, 2009
6:42 am - in Texas
So..i'm in Texas, Dallas that is. Moved in on the 15th. Went to Montgomery Alabama for a wedding this past weekend. Got to meet more of his family.
Most of the boxes are unpacked or put in storage.
Still job hunting.
We've been dipping in one of the 3 pools after dinner each night.
Been going okay for the most part.
He got in a funk a couple of days ago...something about being jealous over people on my facebooks account? WTF??
The last night walking out to the pool, there were 2 guys sitting out on their patio and i guess one of the guys gave me "a look and smile", which I didn't see as I turned away, and he brought that up that that look and smile werent' for him.
come on already.
i moved myself away from family, some friends, a great job with health insurance, and a nice organized house to be with you.
the jealousy thing keeps me on my toes it seems. have to be careful if i talk to anyone how i talk or basically..i just don't talk to anyone when he's around unless it's my direct family.

overall...things are okay.
would like to find a job. but at the same time, i'm nervous about starting something new.
went running the other day for a little while in the workout room on the treadmill.
they have starbucks coffee above the office in the "clubhouse" area. it's pretty yummy.
feel guilty for lying out by the pool during the day, so i haven't.

i've lost 4-6 lbs.

our apartment is cute.
it's 2 story, loft.
will have to put some pics up.

the cats doing good. she still loves me, but has started hissing at him. he plays with her and feeds her, but she only is nice for a little bit until she strikes out at him.

oh well.

yesterday i went to my car insurance place, got the situated and added on renters insurance. car insurance here is like double what it is in Florida. not cool.
today i'm going to the Tax/ Tag & registration office downtown Dallas, then to the Work Source place.
He mentioned this morning about me coming by his job so the guys could meet me.
we'll see about that.

it's been sunny and hot as hell, just like everywhere else.

yep..well, that's about it.

current mood: content

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Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
1:36 pm - update smupdate
So...i'm working...and really, watching the rain come down. Day 3 of continuous rain. We've had "suits" in our office for weeks now. Currently there are 3 different suits. A brand new one and then 2 old ones. My position has been put onto Craigslist by the company, and after they started receiving emailed resumes, I decided to go on the site and check out my job listing. Right away I noticed 3 misspellings. I emailed a boss so this could be corrected. So..i've been checking out all the interviewees. Too soft spoken, a re-scheduled no call no show, one that could possibly work out, one with a degree in IT, but from when he was incarcerated, and then a 3:00 scheduled, showed an hour early. There have been some that have been scheduled after hours and which I haven't seen. I have noticed the majority of them have had someone drive them. What's up with that??
My comcast at the house has been down all week due to limbs taken down the cable, not once, but twice. So..I can't do research at home for a house, or a job.
I have been working on my resume, suppose I need to work on a cover letter as well.
Michael has been looking at some places here and there. We've been looking into moving companies as well. The results we've come up with are all pretty pricey it seems.

He is coming home this weekend! We'd talked about it and he kept saying he wanted to save every little bit he could for the move. But, he's flying into Orlando tomorrow evening and flying back out early Monday morning. I'm happy!
I've been packing stuff here and there. I have a house full of boxes, half full, half empty. I pretty much have everything packed, except for the things I use or need up until moving time.
I had made a To-Do list for pre-moving things. I've been crossing it off as I go.
I had needed a spare tire to replace my dummy tire. Whatever it's called, I forget. But, got that taken care of. Made sure my cell phone isn't going to be in roam. Checked into my car insurance. Need to get some boxes of contacts stocked up. I have a dr's appt to check into my prescriptions; to see if I could get a couple months in advance, as I won't have any insurance right off the bat. I need to see about getting my cat's records and some kind of tranquilizer or something for her when i'm driving out there. I need my car to have an oil change and glance over. I'm supposed to call my landlord back the beginning of June, so he can come and walk through. *hopefully i'll get some money back* Comcast i'm holding off closing because if I can just transfer services that would be convenient. Then I just have to close off the gas, and electric.

Ahh...the rain is coming down harder. Rainy days rainy days.

current mood: hopeful

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Friday, May 8th, 2009
8:49 am
So..it's day 5 of Michael being gone. I've been attempting to run the ravines...while it turns out i walk/run the ravines. I'm not a great self-motivator. Think it would be easier if i had some kind of mp3 player or ipod or something. Maybe I wouldn't be able to hear myself tell myself to stop running and walk because i'm tired and fat. ? who knows.
Last night though, after I returned home sweaty as hell and feeling like a lard ass for not running enough of the ravines, I did a couple of arm reps in 5 or 6 different ways and then a couple of reps of squats. So..felt better after that. But then I had like 3 beers, so then I felt fat again...
I'm going through my cell phone deleting way old pictures...why, because i'm bored. That's why.

So...tomorrow after work going over to Diamond's to lay out by the lake and have mimosa's. Then i'm meeting up with my mother around 4:30 to go play Blingo Bingo...
Sunday i might go to the beach with a friend and her daughters for a couple hours in the morning...then maybe over to my parents in the afternoon...not sure.

current mood: fat

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Friday, May 1st, 2009
8:44 am
I'm feeling anxious and my stomach is in knots.
I don't want him to leave. He has to and I want to go with him now.
I don't do well alone. I can't breathe. It will be okay.

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
3:26 pm
Oh my freaking Jesus Mary and Joseph! I am bored out of my ever living gourd. But wait, I don't have a gourd living or non-living. So what the hell do I mean?
I mean i'm so completely bored and tired of this boring job and the day not going by fast. But at the same time as soon as my work-day comes to a close i'd like the time to slow and not speed up. It's freaking Wednesday. That means I have 4.5 days left to be with him. I've become quite the needy and dependent person. When he's been gone a couple of times for a week...i've not done so spectacular. What the hell am I going to do? I am going to be back alone, by myself. Me and my cat. The days will be long and drawn out...I will feel crazier than I am, and not know what to do.
I need to try and stay positive and not get down and out.
I have a sewing machine now..I can teach myself to sew. I could always attempt to pick the guitar back up and learn that. I could work our friviously and look hot as hell (this is my dream). I could run and ride my bike. I could learn spanish in hopes of getting a job if I do go to Texas. I can focus on plants. My inside plants are doing well currently. Outside ones, not that great. I would attempt to grow some veggies on my front porch, but seems I have a caterpillar issue. Those two don't go well together.
I have an hour of work left. Thank the freaking gods above. My eating will be all fudged up now when he leaves. No more eating meals. I will go back to eating when i'm hungry I guess. I have to try and not think about the "what ifs". He will be faithful as will I. Don't be jealous, and pray he doesn't become any more jealous. We will have to have faith in each other and all that horse shit.
I have to remember to breathe and not take my moods out on my work environment. I need my job. I don't know what to do about the insurance thing. Take it one step at a time Jen, don't even think about insurance things as of current. I have a job and insurance and mood medicine. All is fine with that. Focus your energies elsewhere.

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9:36 am
So, it's not 100% definate the move will be to El Paso, could be Dallas, or any other place. But it's definately Texas and he's leaving this coming Monday.
Yesterday was my day off from work and he took the day off to be with me. We moved a load of his stuff, furniture, pictures to my place yesterday. I went and had my hair trimmed (had already scheduled it), and he has family/friends in Green Cove, so we went so he could say bye to him.
I'm okay during the daytime for the most, but then I start thinking in the evening and I get emotional. I need to be strong, because me wimping it out is not making it any easier on him.
one day at a time, right?

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Monday, April 27th, 2009
10:38 am
So, Michael just called me. He's been waiting to receive word on where his next job will be. He's been thinking somewhere in mid-south Florida area, with the possibility of Ohio or some where. So, he's just received word they're sending him to El Paso, Texas. El Fucking Paso Texas.
he's going to get the Swine Flu and die.
I have to find a job in El fucking Paso.
calm down.
he said he'd talk to me after work.
maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. i can't breathe and i'm out of my xanax.

current mood: anxious

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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
12:57 pm
Thursday. I'm bored. Yesterday afternoon picked up to a really nice steady flow here at work. It's a bit after 1:00...i'm bored out of my gourd.
It's such a nice freaking day outside and i'm stuck inside. So not fair.
I'm feeling anxious, teary-eyed, down in the dumps, etc.
I get bored, it depresses and then irritates me.
Michael has a golf tournament on Saturday..he will be gone all day for. Like, it won't be over until like 6pm. I work 8-12ish..for some reason i have anxiety over not seeing him all day. What is that all about?
I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
I have a sewing machine, I need to buy thread to go on it so I can mess around with shit. I have running shoes and a bicycle, I need to get my ass up and out and doing something active.
I have a picture or two that I really want to try to enlarge and do with charcoal.
I act needy. What's with that?
I'm kind of depressed right now. My hormones are acting all out of whack.
I don't want to be alone. I need stability and security. I have it, don't I? I get anxious thinking about it.
I so wish I wasn't at work and could be out walking on the beach or playing golf. I want to just be okay financially. Will that ever happen? I've been thinking of savings and retirement. What the hell am I going to do about that? I don't want to have to work when i'm 74 like my Granny did. What's the point of that?
I'm hormonal and I do not like it.

current mood: anxious

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Friday, April 17th, 2009
9:05 am
So, Michael dropped off 17 rolls of my film to be processed for me. Got them back yesterday..been going through them. Some are slightly newer...from summer-xmas of last year...and few of the rolls are older and are of friends, Irish Fest 2007, etc.
came across a self-portrait I did probably around late summer last year...
i really like it:

Working today, and tomorrow till noon. After work we're headed to Vero Beach for the weekend to hang with some of his family.

Been doing good. But, kind of holding my breath. I don't want to relax because it seems like that's when shite hits the fan.

My nephew is going to have more photos than anyone else ever has. I swear, his crazy Aunt Jen turns papparazzi on his ass when he's around. Poor kid can't move or blink or breathe without me snapping away. Lol.

Back to work...

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Friday, April 10th, 2009
11:15 am
So..at work, slow. Been looking up recipes on cooks.com.
Thinking about a pasta salad with baked spinach & cheese stuffed chicken for tonight. We are going to the 7pm church service tonight. Working tomorrow till noonish. I always find all these yummy recipes I want to cook. Makes it better when you have someone to cook for.
Went running/walking in the Ravines last night. Felt good. Have been riding my bike here and there some.
Life is good right now.
I'm happy. We are getting along again. If it could only stay like this, or if it weren't to stay like this, just get better, instead of worse.
One day at a time.
Hour by hour, minute by minute. I really do think this new medicine is kick ass though. Think it's doing a great job with my mood swings. Seems like i'm pretty consistent..steady. And I love that!

We're going to church on Sunday morning as well. Then to my parents afterwards. Going to go walk in Bayard with my dad, and dinner I guess before or afterwards. Mom's cooking a ham, i'm going to bring squash casserole.
*crosses fingers*
please let everything stay good please. i go crazy when it's not.

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Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
2:31 pm
i'm freaking out about bills and shit.
so..i'm down to a 40 hr work week.
i haven't had a 40 hr wk paycheck in freaking forever. I can't afford to live on just a 40 hr week. i need a part-time job or somtehing until work allows us to start back on overtime, if that ever happens again.
the economy sucks and i suck and my bills suck even more.

i can't breathe.

current mood: stressed

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12:01 pm
i am full from eating too much rice.
been borderline bitchy/groggy all day.

been looking up baby info. wtf?

current mood: blah

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